Have you ever had a day where you were overcome with emotion for no apparent reason? Have you ever looked at a situation that has been in front of you all along and suddenly had a different perspective?
Today is that day for me.
I had a poignant moment this morning that both excited and frightened me. Like many women, I place very high standards on myself in all my capacities. I stretch myself so thin sometimes and I multitask to the point of exhaustion. My brain is constantly fumbling through ideas and plans. At that point I find that I am weary, tired and overly emotional and the ultimate brunt of that inevitable frustration falls on the most innocent people of all -- my children. Today the guilt of those moments invaded my thoughts in an a painful way.
It's hard to admit this but I do so willingly because I know I'm not the only one that goes through this. Yesterday one of my best friends told me she had been struggling with this very thing and through her Bible study learned that when we grumble or complain about our lives we are actually complaining about the gifts that God gave us. Instead of taking it out on others (namely our children) we need to take our frustration to God and ask Him to help us through it. This is so true. We end up complaining to people about our lives and situations and they (because they are human and often feel the same way) encourage us because they can relate. But they are not the bearers of these gifts and they cannot change our circumstances. In fact, even when we take it to God He may not change them either. But He can, and will, change the way we deal or look at things. He can carry us through. In fact, He wants to.
I have many gifts and many blessings. But too many times my view of this truth is obliterated by the daily grind and the cumbrous battles of life. I want to be transparent before my children but the grown up in me is too tired to try so I hide behind irrelevant moments and exaggerated justifications that make it okay to be angry. I am learning every day that sometimes you have to say "no" to other people and those who matter will understand. I have such a hard time doing this because I want to be all things to all people. Maybe I'm co-dependent...in fact, I'm pretty sure I am. I have to soften the pressure on myself. I have to remember who I'm living for. And most importantly, I have to prioritize. Time management is not always my forté. Just because I keep busy doesn't mean I'm getting things done.
Maybe this is you. Maybe you are reading this and you do the same thing. If you are a woman and you have small children, I am sure you have felt the same frustration and anxiety more than once. If you haven't, be prepared because you will. When everything is peachy keen we can be like a Stepford Wife. But when life gets hard, or busy or complicated we quickly lose sight of the big picture. We get angry and frustrated with other people and situations and we lash out at our kids because...well, frankly we do it because we can. It's not right. It's not fair. But it happens more often than many of us care to admit.
So today I want to challenge myself to recognize those moments and see them for what they are. I cannot place the weight of life on them. They will have their own struggles, they do not need to carry mine. It is not their fault if I'm having a hard day and I shouldn't make them a part of it because the more frustrated I feel or get, the more damage I cause. They are malleable beings and although I am not the only influence in their shape, I am probably the most important one with the greatest impact. In this transient earth we have the ability to impact and affect so many lives but beyond a shadow of a doubt, our effect on our children's eternal existence is the most important and should always take front and center stage.
I cannot be a perfect mom. I cannot be a perfect person. But at the very least I can recognize, learn and try to improve upon those imperfections that make me human. This is a daily lesson for me and when I forget it (because I will) I hope that I can be reminded.
