I thought for a long time about this post today. I felt encouraged and motivated by the very topic of freedom. Tomorrow we celebrate the birthday of our great country, a time when we gained our freedom to be and express ourselves within our God-given right to do so. Most people don't give it much thought. It is just another day off from work; or a busier than usual day at work; or a chance to spend the day having fun. It is so easy to take freedom for granted when you have never had it stripped from you. For those of us who live in "free" nations, independence means nothing more than day-to-day living. What can we really claim freedom or liberty from? A job, a relationship or an experience? Maybe. But freedom really means so much more than that. Freedom means responsibility.
Within each person is the desire to be free. We were born alone. We will die alone. We want to voice our opinions and share our beliefs openly within the society in which we operate -- with the people around us and close to us -- those who want to hear and even those who don't. Sometimes freedom becomes even more personal. Maybe it is just the desire to allow yourself to let go of your internal chains...those thoughts, memories, decisions and experiences that bring you down to humbleness. We are free to make choices, but then we must also deal with the consequences. That is the price of freedom. And nothing worth anything is ever really free is it? Everything worth having...every valuable lesson, moment, relationship and even our regrets...they cost us something of ourselves and sometimes even of other people. We can affect people, change them for the good or the bad and that is also part of the price of our freedom to decide. Our impact on the lives we come in contact with during our journey on this planet can cause eternal good or harm and that is a huge responsibility if you really think about it.
The nineteenth-century German philosopher and philologist Friedrich Nietzsche once said that "Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves." That is such a short-sighted view of freedom. Nietzsche rejected Christianity as lacking any objective or universal morality and, instead, claimed that the "death of God" would inevitably lead to the loss of a universal perspective, and any logical or coherent sense of objective universal truth. He believed that we should only retain only our own multiple, diverse, fluid and individual perspectives. Over time this belief system has been referred to as "perspectivism" and it has led to a decay in the acceptance of a universal truth or standard which is in complete contrast to what God tells us. This belief system eventually leads to a complete nihilism of life and morality and to a fundamentally flawed and atheistic/agnostic belief that nothing has any real importance and that life, as a whole, lacks purpose and any significant or eternal meaning. What a sad world to live in. It is no wonder that eventually Nietzsche was declared mentally ill and committed to a mental institution. Eventually he died and while there is common debate about the origin of his mental instability and subsequent dementia (syphillis cancer, etc.), I believe that his flawed philosophies were probably somehow affected by his mental illness and that whether it be madness, dementia, breakdown or other physical anomaly that eventually lead to his death, his life was inherently tragic and empty because his god was dead.
But history and experience has proven that looking within ourselves for universal truths is a flawed theology. When we internalize our questions and our answers, we will find so many things to be meaningless and inconsequential. When we measure our standards by others, or our lives by the world around us, well then...everything is okay and permissible because, after all, we live in a "free country" don't we? Nobody is perfect here and each person is the center of his/her own universe. Free will lies within the enterprise of this self-centered view of life and is still held up to the same standard even if we choose to reject God-imposed rules and boundaries. There is a true standard of perfection to use as a gauge and although we will never measure up to it, the fact that it exists leaves us striving and wanting more and seeking for a sense of satisfaction that, sadly, for many, goes unfulfilled. There is a popular expression that says we have a "God-shaped hole" in our hearts. That statement has been repeated over time because God is always that missing piece in our hearts and even when we make Him fit into our mold, we will find that He is the one reshaping us from the inside out.
The result of our choices -- the reactions triggered by our actions -- all are worth something infinitely more valuable than a momentary pause of earthly contentment. The repercussions of our choices can trickle to future generations in ways we will never see or understand. But when you give it that much thought, you realize that how you present -- or really how you "represent" yourself -- can impact a person on an eternal scale. Our standards mean so little in the entire scheme of eternity. Our years on earth are fleeting but our choices are eternal. Freedom means just that doesn't it? It is a huge responsibility that should never be taken lightly. But it is so hard sometimes to gain perspective when you are caught up in living and survival. It is so tiring and all-encompassing so we give in to what feels good or what allows us to retain control, because it's usually easier than standing up for something, or fighting for something.
Every time we act on impulse or feeling or make a decision to impact another life, we are responsible and accountable. It shouldn't be taken lightly. Just because you "can" doesn't mean you "should." We are selfish, selfish beings...every single one of us. Seeking our own desires and feelings and validation and stepping over others on the way up. If you think you don't, think again. To be 100% selfless is an almost unattainable goal. We can be selfless in certain events, but as a general rule, even our selflessness makes us feel good. True selflessness requires sacrifice. Sometimes lifelong sacrifice. And how many of us can realistically sacrifice our entire lives for the sake of someone else? You might be raising your hand. But give yourself time. You will see that it is not entirely possible to ignore your motivations and feelings. They are powerful things -- sometimes in sin, sometimes not -- but they can take over if you let down your guard for even one second. If you deter your focus, which is almost inevitable sometimes, you will be looking within yourself for answers instead of looking up for them. Even when it's subconsciously, we must tread carefully and operate within the boundaries that God has established for us. But it is so hard. And it is only when we fail that we have a crisp understanding of our impact on the world and the purpose for which we were created. And even then, sometimes, we don't completely understand why or how things ended up the way they are even though it was our choice to begin with. Wow. That's accountability. And it falls under the umbrella of freedom -- or should I say, "free will."
I cannot express how much I think about this daily. Every step I take in my life will affect my children. They are my number one priority and it so very easy to fail them. Our flesh, our psyches, they are internally consumed with personal satisfaction and keeping our focus on the external or even on God, can be so difficult. Good people make bad choices. Bad people make good choices. But really what makes any of us "good" or "bad?" We cannot measure goodness by our mistakes or actions even though that is what we are inclined to do. No. If we are really seeking to live Godly lives and honor the Lord who watches and protects us, then we must -- we are obligated to -- deal with matters of the heart, which are the most confusing of all.
I've been praying a lot these days for one thing. Clarity. In different times of my life I have prayed for different things. Confirmation, peace and security have all dominated my prayer life. But as I find myself "returning" to myself, I find that I do not see my life exactly the way I used to. I know God is teaching me to let go of my plans and to trust in the same God who established my days and gave me my blessings over all the years of my life. If I lay those plans out before Him, if I tell Him to take over, He will do so. Under His will. In His timing. And it really has nothing to do with me even though I may think it's all about me. In letting go it is so easy to get lost which is exactly what God really wants for us sometimes. Losing ourselves and then reviving in Him is oftentimes part of the plan. But it is a painful lesson and it is hard to get through. If that is part of the plan that God has for those He has called, then we will feel it and even when we are losing our personal battles, we will gain a sense of hope and comfort. This is found in silence. In those moments when we speak one on one with our Creator and open our lives and surrender. Surrender, for someone as strong-willed and controlling and even sometimes obsessive, as me...well that is sooooo hard. I feel God teaching me. I feel myself resisting. I am still trying to regain control -- to hold on to my freedom -- and with all the noise around me it is easy to drown out those truths that used to dominate me. Especially since I have wanted to be free to see what it's like to operate under my terms. I am seeing daily that my choices, my freedom, it is nothing. It is useless time, space and air on this planet if I go about it on my own. I am learning to rely on others and losing my pride and humbling myself before God and even before others. I cannot tell you how liberating my struggles have been. Ironic? Yes. But to not feel the need to be "perfect" all the time -- to let go and be accountable -- to let others see you fail and then rise... It is a magical, ethereal sense of bliss in a crude and painful form. I cannot explain it. There are no words that will capture the emotion, but it is real and it is new and it is freedom in a basic sense.
So I struggle and I suffer needlessly because, after all, God is so much greater than all of this, isn't He? When we feel Him...truly feel Him in control...it's humbling and frightening because you lay yourself out before Him and ask Him to accept and understand and love you even though you are a sinner and you are just as wicked as the wicked. It is almost embarrassing to ask. Who am I do even deserve it? Why should I be given a chance? And what if I'm not ready to give in 100%? What if I still want something for myself? What if I still want my freedom?
Well that's what God is really all about. In the Garden of Eden He established it for all eternity. Freedom was granted on His holy scale and though we have the essential right to choose for ourself, we must be prepared to fight and deal with the weight of our freedom and of our choices. Will we be punished? Will we be forgiven? Those are such personal questions. Each person must measure their own limits and make their own choices. Right or wrong. We are free. Free to love. Free to fail. Free to forgive and be forgiven. And mostly we are free to live forever if we just make that choice. That is the greatest freedom of all and no matter where we live, no one can ever take that away.
When our bodies wither and decay and we are gone from this world we will see what our freedom really cost us and why. As Albert Camus once said, "Freedom is just the chance to be better." Let us never take our physical, spiritual or soul-searching freedom for granted in these difficult days. Freedom is a privilege that God gave us at creation but it comes at a very difficult and expensive cost...our lives.
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